there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
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