Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
