The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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