dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
