Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Randomize
