I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I will pee on everything he values.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
