i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
you didnt know i had herpes?
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
