i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
After last night, I could never be a politician.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
