I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
