Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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