I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
