Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
