My liver just broke up with me...
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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