If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize
