is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
