and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
