sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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