you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
A+ Viking dick
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
