It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
