If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
