There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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