What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
