we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
