I puked a lego.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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