Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
