I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
