I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I need water and some morals
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
