I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Randomize
