Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
We don't watch enough power rangers
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize