i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
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