I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
That accounts for only three of the penises
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
