we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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