I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I intend to get homeless drunk
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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