I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
