Someone shit on the floor
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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