Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
