Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
