I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
