did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
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