i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
