ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
