she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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