I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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