Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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