I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
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