If i could tip my vagina, i would.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Gay?
German.
Pity.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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