You're my favorite asian/girl I've met here.
You're ridiculous
Your hot
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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