note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
