yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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