Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
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