And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
